Drop the Story

My life used to have all the drama of a soap opera. I was extremely moody, emotional, and drawn into intense roller coaster relationships. I didn’t realize then that this way of being is a choice rather than an ingrained characteristic.

Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron says that emotion consists of energy plus a story. When we drop the story, all that’s left is the energy. This beautiful teaching has been guiding me toward a calmer way of being in the world.  One way I work with it is to practice separating my thoughts from my reality. Moving away from ‘thinking’ toward ‘being’ and ‘experiencing’ allows things that used to feel complicated and stressful to become quite simple.

For example, I’m preparing something in the kitchen, and I drop the bowl onto the floor. Yikes – it’s a mess! But instead of going into my overblown emotional reaction: “I’m such a clutz! I can’t do anything right! I’m hopeless… everything I do ends up in failure…” blah blah self-piteous boring blah… I can instead take a deep breath, hold compassion and love in my heart for myself and all other wonderfully human and imperfect beings, and simply assess the situation. Get a mop. It’s only a task… and all tasks can be done with love… and often even enjoyment. There’s nothing so inherently awful about cleaning the kitchen floor once I am willing to drop the story line around it, and just use the energy of the emotions I had been feeling to get things done. I can even offer gratitude for things like the fact that I have a kitchen floor to mop, and a healthy body that can get the job done.

This practice is really about letting go of resistance to what is. As Oscar Wilde says, “If you’re having a fight with reality, reality always wins.” We can choose to stop struggling against that, and go with the flow!

Try it. Rehearse it in your mind before you get into the heat of a moment. Think of a relatively simple situation like the one I described that causes you to fly off the handle. Picture yourself pausing in the midst of your reaction, noticing it… and simply breathing a little more deeply before you do anything else. How does this feel? Notice if any resistance arises to this new way of being, and just observe that too. This is not about denying or repressing what you feel. You are just cushioning your habitual response with a little more time, to become aware, and to breathe.

The stubborn mind clings to its version of ‘reality,’ but once we learn to accept that we are not in control life becomes a whole lot simpler. Remember, everything you do is only a task. And all tasks can be done with love, gratitude, and often even enjoyment. It takes a lot of practice and patience, but once you get into the new habit of catching yourself mid-stream, you can take charge of how you want to live in the world – stop complicating life with your emotional reactions and simply use the energy.

You are not alone

“Whether you like it or not,

alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.”

 --words of wisdom from the great Dr. Seuss (in Oh, the Places You’ll Go)

I’ve wrestled with the demon of loneliness many times in my life – as have most of us – and I find comfort in the striking similarity between the words ‘alone,’ and ‘all one.’ The more I surrender to this experience of ‘all one,’ the less I feel ‘alone.’

It is so easy to feel isolated in our own skin, in the walls we build around us for protection that often become so familiar we can’t even see them anymore. When people come to my spiritual circles, they will often apologize for something so innocent as crying when a wave of emotion comes over them, or for sneezing during a period of silent meditation. It makes me realize a common tendency that many people share: we feel we are the only ones having a difficult experience of life, and so we feel something is wrong with us.

The great thing about a spiritual circle is the connections among people become more tangible. Each person who shares their story says something I can relate to deeply. This helps me take my experience less personally and transform my feeling of ‘alone’ into a feeling of ‘all one.’ I start to shift from messages like ‘I am a failure, I can’t get this right,’ to a more easeful way of relating with the dilemmas that are common to humans as we struggle to evolve here on this planet.

While we each have our own unique expression of reality, all humans experience joy, depression, hope, despair, weakness, strength, apathy, anger, fear, love. It’s not just YOU – everyone at times suffers, feels crazy, can be laughing one minute and in the depth of despair the next. It’s all part of the collective experience of life.

Just remembering this helps me laugh at myself and take everything a little less seriously when I get bound up in my ego’s tendencies to feel separate and alone and oh-so-sorry-for-myself. A practice that helps me shift my mindset is a meditation with trees. A tree can’t sustain the illusion of separation. The roots are inextricably bound up with the soil; the branches and leaves intertwine with air and sky, rain and sun. You can either sit by a tree, or just close your eyes and imagine… as you breathe in and out, you are exchanging energy with not only every tree but also every being on the planet – because there are no boundaries to breath, no boundaries to air, and no boundaries to love.

Stop Suffering

Have you ever heard the Buddhist teaching that “pain is inevitable; suffering is optional?” This has always puzzled me, since in my experience the two have always gone hand in hand. I am now learning that it’s possible to feel pain and yet not suffer.

In a recent workshop with Jennifer Cohen Harper of Little Flower Yoga I discovered that the areas of our brain which process pain are completely separate from the areas of our brain that process suffering. Studies have shown that those who meditate exhibit a ‘de-coupling’ of the brain activity in each of these centers: the pain center can be activated without the suffering center firing. Sounds promising, right?

Two simple practices that are helping me apply this in my life are shifting focus, and witnessing.

Shifting focus: In a joyous spring moment of abandoning caution, I danced in the grass. The next day: poison ivy! If I obsess over how much it itches, I will be miserable and scratching as we all know only worsens the situation. So I shift focus: maybe I do something completely engaging to take my mind off it like riding my bike through NYC traffic; or maybe I just lie down and keep bringing my attention to a part of my body that doesn’t itch.

Witnessing:  “This too shall pass” is a good mantra for witnessing. I watch whatever I experience with a sense of detachment, like the curiosity of an outside observer. I witness my thoughts, emotions, and sensations without attaching to them just as I would watch clouds float by in the sky on a summer day. This practice reminds me that nothing I feel or experience is permanent. Much suffering comes from projecting pain into the future and thinking it will always be this way or by yielding to strong habitual emotional reactions.

I practice shifting focus and witnessing with easier things, so when pain does come calling I am more able to cope. Take any minor irritation, like spilling coffee on a new white shirt – once I go through my initial reaction, I can choose to witness the fiery emotions that arise and let them dissipate rather than feeding the flames by shifting my focus onto something I am appreciative for, or something that feels good in the moment.

If you can relate to the desire to de-couple pain from suffering in your life, try experimenting with these two simple practices. You can think of a common situation that causes you minor irritation in your life rather than going to your most painful experiences at first. When the situation arises, practice replacing your usual responses with the shifting focus and witnessing  techniques described above. Give it time. Like all difficult work, these techniques will not instantly change a lifetime of habitual reactions to situations, but I can say that as I work with this over time I notice small but significant shifts. A billboard I used to pass every day in the East Village said it well: ‘Be not afraid of going slowly. Be only afraid of standing still.’

Savor the moment

Lately I keep recalling the words of a wise teacher: “Your mind is not your friend.” I notice how often my mind takes me out of the moment – which, ironically, is the only place where we can experience the bliss of being alive. My mind is almost always either in a hurry to get on to the next moment, or it’s reaching back and analyzing the past. Why this is I cannot fathom, but the important thing is to increase my awareness so I can make a choice to change this odd situation. It’s possible to notice the thoughts that come and go without attaching to them, coming back to the breath which is like an anchor that keeps us in the present moment.

There are so many ways to do this. A few days ago, struck by the beauty of spring flowers unfolding as I rode my bicycle to work, a phrase came to me that I’ve been repeating silently like a mantra ever since: “Every breath is a feast.” Another simple mantra I repeat often is “Thank you.” Remembering gratitude brings joy to my days and helps me override my mind’s neurotic tendency to constantly want something more or different than what I have.

I often notice that even in the middle of eating a wonderful meal, my mind will start obsessing on what I might eat tomorrow, or on some other un-related aspect of my life. So I’ve chosen meal times as a time to practice mindful awareness, bringing my mind back to my sensory experience when I notice it’s gone astray and repeating my mantra when needed to help me stay focused.

Another practice I’ve found useful lately for keeping my mind in the NOW is a mindfulness technique called Layers of Sound. This practice was introduced to me by Jennifer Cohen Harper of Little Flower Yoga at a recent workshop on teaching mindfulness techniques to children. Adults are simply bigger children, so this practice is quite relevant for me as well! First open your ears wide and find the furthest away sound you can hear. After a few moments, bring your hearing in a little closer, gradually progressing in stages from the sounds within your home or building (or surrounding environment if you’re outside), to the sounds within the room, to the sounds within a small circle around you, and finally to the sounds within.

Focusing on any sensory experience is a wonderful way to come into the present. Notice your mind’s tendency to label the experience with words rather than having the direct experience, and keep gently returning your mind to awareness of direct sensation, like wind kissing your skin or the fragrance of the soap you’re using to wash your face. In this way, each moment of our lives becomes precious.

To help these practices ‘stick,’ I recommend choosing one specific aspect of your day to practice present-moment awareness. It could be waiting for the subway, eating a meal, or brushing your teeth – anything that you do regularly where you can consistently remind yourself to focus.

With mindfulness, you can relax, take it easy, and enjoy the gifts that are present everywhere!

To Spring Ahead, Fall Back

To Spring Ahead, Fall Back

“Less is more,” I find myself saying to students (and myself!) often lately. It is one of life’s lovely paradoxes that to get ‘there,’ to whatever it is you seek, you must first realize you already are ‘there.’ We can make a choice to work toward our goals with easeful effort rather than strain.

As shoots push up from beneath the ground they can even move concrete out of their way, yet they stay soft and supple. We can work like that, physically by relaxing our muscular tension even as we engage our muscles, and mentally by not clinging to rigid or fixed patterns of thinking and behaving.

When babies learn to crawl, they push backward at first – a necessary part of learning to propel themselves forward. Birds crouch down first in order to take off and soar up high. We can learn from these analogies. Backing away from a goal to regroup is not defeat. Often I limit myself because I am not patient enough. I think if I don’t achieve my goal quickly enough it means I am not capable, so I give up entirely. I am working to outgrow this attitude, to cultivate the faith of redwood trees, growing so slowly at times that the change can’t be seen, but eventually they tower over the forest. A school mural in the East Village where I used to teach said it well: “Be not afraid of going slowly. Be only afraid of standing still.”

What goals are you working toward this spring? Make them as tangible as you can by writing them, drawing them, or closing your eyes and visualizing them. Then breathe deeply, connecting to your desire and intention to manifest your visions in your life. As you exhale, release the need to know how and when. Trust that if your goals are spiritually aligned with the universe, you will have all the support you need to get there. Doubt is your enemy; acknowledge it if it's there, but don’t feed it by buying into negative thoughts. Patience is your greatest ally; keep coming back to focusing on your breath when your mind races.

Wishing you the perseverance of green living things as you move toward your intentions this spring.