Fear of falling

“Do not be too timid or squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if you are a little coarse and you get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fall and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again; never be so afraid of a tumble.”

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve always been fearful of making mistakes; afraid to fall, so to speak. I’m learning about ways to exorcise the perfectionist in me that attacks when I feel I’ve been less than perfect (in other words: human!). Here’s what I’m noticing lately: as I work to transform old habits and rise above where I’ve been, I sometimes find myself right back immersed in an old habit. How did I get back here?! I get worked up over this: angry, frustrated, worried… Not only did I delve back into my old ways, I commence with a blown-out-of-proportion emotional reaction that digs me even deeper into the pit. Old tapes that run in my head telling me I am worthless and a failure become louder and more voracious than ever. If I wallow in the feelings this brings up, I feed these false demons of separation and anxiety. There are other options here!

“God doesn’t make junk,” is a line I recall from a novel (if you know which one, please tell me so I can give credit where it’s due!) so I know I am not in reality when I give credence to these voices. But because I’ve bought into them all my life, transcending these messages takes an incredible amount of patience and discernment. Slowing down my reactions seems to be a key for me. If I can notice these toxic tendencies of my mind to spin out into un-reality, I can come back to my breathing before I indulge in any old self-sabotaging behaviors.

It is discouraging to make a resolution to myself, so sure that this time will be different, only to find myself repeating old ways. But I have to remind myself, if it were so easy to transform old habits, then I wouldn’t need these resolutions in the first place! This body and this life are our spiritual training ground, and we are all like children learning to walk. We can all do it, but we will take falls in the process. If we become afraid of the falls and shy away from them, we’ll get stuck repeating what we already know how to do rather than learning anything new. Falling down is inevitable in the process of growth!

As Henry Ford said, “Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.” Just as we wouldn’t chide a toddler for falling as they learn to walk upright, we can be gentle with ourselves in our perceived ‘triumphs’ and ‘failures,’ realizing that from a larger perspective both of these dualities are essential to the process of growth.

Jesus describes spiritual growth as a ‘straight and narrow path.’ The tragedy is not that as we try to walk this path, we sometimes fall; the tragedy is that sometimes we become too afraid, or buy into the idea that we are too weak or inadequate, to pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and continue on…

 Staying out here, in the open, in that no-man’s-land that does not slide into elation or depression, takes courage and faith. In the thin air of not knowing is where truth will find you.

Deepak Chopra offers a wonderful exercise in The Book of Secrets that helps me with this: Take a piece of paper and make two columns labeled “Good Choice” and “Bad Choice.” Under each column, list at least five choices that have been significant in your life. Then think of at least one good thing that came out of the ‘bad’ choices and one bad thing that came out of the ‘good’ choices. This exercise can be a great reminder that the reality is more in the not-knowing, living each moment with flexibility and an open mind rather than judging ourselves or our experience.  

Be The Change

An eccentric old seamstress in a far off village is seen one day out in the street frantically looking for her sewing needle. The neighbors come to help her, and ask where she dropped it. “Inside my hut,” she replied. Puzzled, the neighbors ask her why, then, is she searching out in the street.  “There’s more light out here,” she replied.

This story highlights for me how easy it is to tell others to take care of themselves, and how difficult it can be to do that work myself. As a yoga instructor, for example, I often encourage others to rest; it’s harder to get myself to unleash from my busy mind and lie down on my own couch. I see many parents who will go to the ends of the earth to make their children comfortable, while ignoring their own needs. Unfortunately, children learn more from what we do than what we say. Children are more likely to grow up repeating our patterns of behavior, even if we tell them to ‘do as I say, not as I do.’

I believe that our most powerful acts of caring for the world are the examples we set in how we treat ourselves as well as others. As the great Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” This is true whether you are a teacher, a social worker, a doctor, a parent, a janitor… no matter what line of work you find yourself in, the choices you make personally have a great impact on those around you.

I’m learning that my words have more power when I live what I’m teaching.  This is not as easy as it may sound! One of the hardest parts of life’s journey for me has been stepping up to the plate of loving myself with all the fullness of my heart. For some reason this process is terrifying as much as it is gratifying. It requires me to face an exhilarating yet sometimes almost smothering sense of vast personal responsibility. It forces me to outgrow the old messages I’ve bought into all my life about my own insufficiency, to move into the unfamiliar zone of taking the risk to believe in the inner light that we all have. This light is in me as much as it is in anyone else I want to care for, but as the seamstress story makes clear, most people have a harder time turning inward and recognizing it. We tend to treat ourselves in ways we would never subject anyone else to.

One thing I’ve been working with in my efforts to live what I want to teach is the way I talk to myself. When I make a simple mistake, when I’m tired and I drop something for example, I can hear this Charlie Brown inner voice screaming at me, “You always screw everything up!” My mind can really be quite cruel in the messages I hear.

It is possible to transform whatever negative messages you hear in your mind by shifting into ‘witnessing’ mode: observe the thoughts as if they’re written on a billboard somewhere. Then separate your sense of self from these deprecating thoughts, replacing them with a mantra like, “Treating myself as precious makes me strong.”

Freedom

In celebration of Martin Luther King Day, I’ve been pondering the idea of freedom. In this country founded upon the idea of freedom, how free are we really? The question, ‘Am I free?’ brings up many layers of complexity for me, defying an easy answer.

One realization I’ve had is that the most important freedom to me is in the mind. I may be free to go wherever I want or to choose a career path -  but if I am a slave to mental conditioning, to what other people tell me to do or think, or to harmful habits, then how free am I really?

The fourth and final chapter of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali is all about freedom of the mind. One thing it teaches is that humans suffer because we identify ourselves with the thoughts in our mind (which are transient, and limited in perspective). For example, someone at work calls me stupid (oh no, the ‘s’ word!) and if I am not strong and centered in my true self, that label wedges into my self-conception. I come to identify with the label, and then my actions become self-fulfilling prophecies. I self-sabotage with ‘stupid’ choices because I’m acting out what someone else told me I am.

The bumper-sticker phrase ‘freedom is not free’ comes to mind here. The price of freedom: I have to be willing to give up my neuroses, and my wrong ideas of who I am. Surely this is an exhilarating and wonderful opportunity, but it can also be scary as hell. Think of the animals who spend their lives in cages and when the door is opened, they don’t leave because the safe space of the cage has become too familiar. I find similar reactions in myself as I journey toward freedom, and feel myself recoiling at times from fear of the unknown. The Eagles said it well in Take It Easy: we live our lives in chains never knowing we have the key.

The key, I’m learning, is in my own mind. Ironically, I’m finding that mental freedom can be cultivated by limiting other types of ‘freedom.’ Just like children need appropriate boundaries in order to grow up feeling secure, setting boundaries for the mind can bring focus and tranquility. One way to do this is to use a mantra (a word or sound repeated silently, linked to the breath). For example, inhale and think to yourself “I AM.” Exhale, and think “FREE.” Every time you notice that you’ve gone off on a train of thought, gently bring your mind back to focusing on your breath and repeating the mantra. You can sit or lie down comfortably and practice this technique for a few minutes each day, gradually increasing the duration of time you spend in this type of meditation. I have noticed tremendous benefits accruing over time from this practice. Like anything else, if you just do it occasionally its power to transform your situation will be limited. Commit to this practice daily for at least one month, and notice the effects in your life.

Faith and Endurance

Happy New Year!

The two main contents of my spiritual toolbox at this time of year are endurance and faith. Faith in the seeds I am planting, whose blossoms I will not see for a long time yet, if ever. Endurance to keep slogging along even when I’m tired, discouraged, or in discomfort or pain. Can you tell that winter is not my favorite season?!

Usually by mid-February a psychic angst accumulates in me that feels like it may smother me to death before that blessed final 28^th (or 29^th day, this year - yikes!) rolls around. I was inspired by the group of wise souls at my winter solstice circle, who shared things they love about this time of year, and I’m trying to change my attitude toward the cold season. A guide once reflected to me that perhaps when I learn to embrace winter I will learn to truly love myself. When I look more deeply into this I realize that it is always the rough patches in life that evolve me, and that deepen my capacity for love. It is easy to love and give thanks when I feel on top of my game. Harder when I feel stuck in the mud. So in an evolutionary sense the seasons and times of life that are uncomfortable, unpleasant, or even painful for me are probably the most valuable.

Faith gives me the strength to keep going when times get rough. Gloria Karpinski has some wonderful exercises for cultivating faith in her book Barefoot on Holy Ground. She writes, “Where we don’t trust ourselves, Spirit or the universe shows us an edge in our consciousness. Stretch the edge, and grace will pour in. This is an exercise about deliberately experiencing that stretch.”

I am condensing her 18-step practice called “From Fear to Faith” into the following twelve steps:

1. Choose a fear that you are willing to bring into consciousness. Confront yourself with: “I have faith in everything except…”
2. Prepare sacred space with candles, incense, music – or whatever helps you relax. Breathe deeply, connecting to the life force within and around you.
3. Invite your fear into this sacred and secure setting, sensing the feelings around it, as well as its history and any images, colors, sounds or other sensations that arise with it. Just attempt to experience the fear without reacting or responding.
4. Ask the fear if it has a message for you, and listen without judging, noticing any reactions in your body.
5. Move your attention to your heart, breathing love and compassion into the fear.
6. Let the sense of love and compassion move throughout your body, by placing your hands any place where the fear felt strong and breathing there. You can talk to your cells, saying “I love you and thank you. Now it is time to release fear.”
7. Now decide if you are ready to let this fear go. “What will be different in my life if I don’t carry this fear? What might I give up in my life if I give up this fear?” If you don’t feel ready to release the fear, then bless it, knowing you will do so another day.
8. Affirm faith in what you cannot see yet. For example, if your fear is about lack, you might affirm faith in abundance. “I affirm my faith in…”
9. Visualize a purifying fire, transforming your fear to strong faith.
10. Offer gratitude: “I am grateful for the grace that transforms this fear.”
11. Breathe with awareness into your body and bring your attention to your physical surroundings.
12. Daily follow through: Declare something a touchstone, perhaps a small rock or a piece of jewelry. Every time you touch it, visualize your new freedom. Write an affirmation of faith, repeating it like a mantra every day for at least six weeks. When doubt or old psychic patterns emerge, catch yourself as soon as you can, bringing yourself back to your faith gently but firmly. Give thanks, knowing that every moment is an opportunity to strengthen yourself.

In the black

Lately I’ve been thinking about the connection between money and energy. Einstein proved that matter and energy are interchangeable in the cosmic currency, so money and energy must also have this relationship. Both are in constant flux, changing from one to the other.

In the past I’ve lived with a ‘cushion’ of money in my bank account, giving me the illusion of security that most Americans seem to buy into. But my energetic bank account was always depleted – in fact, I was constantly living in a state of debt. I kept myself too busy to notice this imbalance, only stopping when a severe illness forced my hand.

Now I’m trying to be as proactive with building up my energetic reserves as I have been in the past with my financial resources. For the moment, this has meant that as I take more time to rest and rejuvenate, there’s a corresponding drop in literal money in the bank that leaves me feeling vulnerable. Whether this path turns out to be wise or foolish, only time will tell.

Signs that indicate to me that I’m on the right track: my mind is growing calmer. New types of work that feel truly aligned with my beliefs and talents are flowing to me. Situations in life that used to cause high stress roll off me now like water off a duck’s feathers.

In the past I’ve lived with the unquestioned assumption that if I did not feel overwhelmingly busy, then I was not doing enough. Now I’m turning that conventional (and life-depleting) mode of living on its head: the Buddhist phrase, “Don’t just do something; sit there!” is a recurring theme for me. My simple mantra, courtesy of my nutritional and lifestyle mentor Fred Bisci is “Best to Rest.”

Our minds are conditioned to think that not until everything in the world is perfect and at peace can we rest. I am coming to believe that in truth it is precisely the opposite: until we can find peace and perfection within, nothing we try to do will create it in the world outside. In the metaphor of flight attendant language, for obvious reasons you are advised to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to put on someone else’s.

At this holiday season, I invite you to take stock of your energetic bank account. Bring peace into your life by taking some things off the schedule, bond with your couch, practice yoga, curl up with a good book…  take time out to restore! In our culture that teaches us to beat ourselves down, nurturing ourselves is truly a radical act. Give yourself permission to build up your reserves, so you can start the new year ‘in the black!’

Wishing you well,

--Lauren